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Or secret option number 4: You might be in China.

The Chinese government has a reputation for blocking certain websites, in a bid to protect the fragile, impressionable minds of its billion-plus population. I've seen this reported in the western press (especially around the time of the Olympics) as another example of how evil and oppressive this place is. But the truth is actually a little different.

Email is blocked! (Actually, no, it isn't.) Wikipaedia is blocked! (Again, no, its not. And that includes the pages about 'sensitive' issues.) I can't read the BBC site! (Yes, yes you can.) In fact, I find that very little is blocked. I can use Blogger and Youtube, I can read the news, and can do everything else I want. This isn't through a special connection set up for use by a foreigner - its from my Chinese apartment. Same goes for my Chinese workplace, and also the Chinese internet bars that I've used. I find that the censorship situation is massively exaggerated. But China-bashing is fashionable, so its ok, right?

That's not to say that some things aren't being blocked. Since the internet is reputedly 90% porn, I guess only 10% of the internet is now available to internet users in China, if this and that are to be believed. Is it right to censor internet porn? Well that's difficult for non-Chinese to comment on, since local laws and the definition of decency vary the world over. I suspect the western concensus view of this would be to say that its a free world, and people should be able to do what they want. But that argument rings hollow when coming from a land with more rules and regulations about what people can and can't do than pretty much anywhere else. Example: Riding your bike without a safety helmet - not allowed due to safety concerns, as decreed by government. But then, isn't it the welfare of the people that the Chinese goverment are thinking about, by attempting to prevent the "destruction of the moral standard of society"? Swings and roundabouts?

The nation's favourite hobbies

Quick question: If someone asks what your hobby is, what is a valid answer? Reading? Watching films? Playing a sport? Yes, yes and yes. Listening to music. Yes. Sleeping? Er... is that really a hobby? Well, it is what many Chinese people claim as their hobby. And to be honest, after living here a while that reply doesn't surprise me. People sleep anywhere and everywhere. It doesn't matter where you are or what time it is - its always a good time for a nap. Asleep in the street. Asleep in a shop. Asleep at work.

I like the neatly-placed shoes

I've been in shops where the shop owner was asleep, and couldn't be bothered to get up and serve me. Many small shops even have little beds behind the counter for ease of napping.

One guy was so fascinated by this that he put a website together based entirely on photographs of Chinese people asleep in unusual locations, which you can find here.

The other best way of wasting time, if you happen to be in China, is chatting to people on QQ (basically, an Asian-version of MSN). In you aint napping, you're chatting. If you aint chatting, you're napping. In offices and shops all over the PRC, that is what's happening right now. Chatting on QQ is actually the favoured method of contact for many people. Sometimes if you call a business to make an enquiry, they'll tell you to find them on QQ instead, then put the phone down. Not entirely sure what the advantage of this is (hey, why say in 20 seconds what you can type in 10 minutes?...), but, as it says on the QQ homepage: "In China, QQ is not just a way to communicate—it's a phenomenon, a part of culture, and a daily necessity".

Hospital advertising

In Britain we have the good old NHS. Healthcare is free (well, its paid for by everyone's taxes) so hospitals are free to go about their business making people better (giving them MRSA infections). Elsewhere in the world hospitals operate a pay-as-you-go system, as it is in China. This makes hospitals something of a money-making business, rather than just the place to go when you're ill. I've noticed several things that make this all too apparent. For example, what do you do when you have a bad cold? Stay at home, plenty of hot honey and lemon, plenty of rest? Wrong - you should proceed directly to hospital, have an injection of vitamins in your buttock, have a drip put into the back of your hand (the colour of the liquid to be intravenously given varies, but the bright orange type is popular) and spend three nights in a hospital bed. Of course, you have to pay for all of these 100% essential things. Also, how do you choose which hospital to go to? I've already mentioned this topic here, but another thing I've noticed recently is the amount of advertising that's done by hospitals. Since they're effectively operating as cash-generating businesses I suppose this makes some sense. Some of the TV adverts I've seen for various hospitals are great. Here's a rough translation of one of my current favourites:

"What can you do in three minutes? You could drink one-third of a cup of tea. Or you could eat half an apple. Or you could have an abortion, at blahblahblah hospital..."

Another one that I like features a young couple contemplating the problems they might face in their married life:

Girl says: What if my clothes need cleaning?
Guy says: I'll wash them for you.
Girl says: Well, what if I get vaginal yeast infection?
Guy says: Then I'll take you straight to Xi'an blahblahblah hospital.

What I like best of all is the natural, everyday dialogue.

Asian blepharoplasty

Now popular the world over, and as simple as having a haircut, we have cosmetic surgery: the almost-instant answer to all of our bodily aesthetic issues. What are the most popular procedures? Nosejob? Boobjob? Lipsuction? Correct, correct and correct again. But not in China. (Are you beginning to notice a theme in this blog?)

The key to being beautiful in China is all in the eyes: they have to be wide. Specifically, a lady should have a double-eyelid. No, not like a crocodile. It means that putting an artificial fold in your eyelid will widen your eyes and make your face appear more attractive.

I first noticed that people did this when I saw something hanging off the eyelid of a young lady I was talking to. I later found out that it was a piece of narrow sticky tape, applied just above the eyelashes on the upper eyelid, to pull the lid up a little, so widening the eyes. And it's really popular - I've since noticed a lot of other girls using this stuff. But, even better, you can go a step further and have it done on a permanent basis, thanks to a quick surgical procedure.

My initial reaction to this was that it was crazy, but it does make a difference. There are a bunch of example before and after pictures here, though, typically, the before picture is always some greasy-skinned, sad-looking, bad-hair-day girl, followed by an after picture of some just-about-to-go-onstage-look-at-my-fancy-makeup-and-hairdo girl. But still, it does make the eyes look wider.

There are even a range of different styles that you can go for, which give the eyes a slightly different shape.

Another one you can do is kind of an in-reverse version of the nosejob that many western folks might have. Essentially, it involves building up the bridge of the nose to make it protrude from the face a little more.

But as with any cosmetic surgery, you have to know when to draw the line - just ask Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Specialist healthcare

Hospitals. We don't like being in them, but sometimes we just have to be. If you're ill, if you have an accident, you have to go to hospital. But which one? The nearest one? Well, not necessarily. It might be better to head somewhere that has particular expertise in the treatment of your type of injury...

A lot of Chinese hospitals seem to have a particular specialism. Women's health. Hearts. Eyes. Fertility. Nothing especially unusual in those. But I must confess to being mildly alarmed/confused/amused upon discovering that Xi'an has a hospital that specialises in the surgical reattachment of hands. I can't help but think that that is just a little too specific. Is there really a need for that? Now I'm wondering, exactly how many hands are chopped off in Xi'an every day... and why?! Answers on a severed hand to the usual address...